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16:111
"On the day that every soul shall come arguing on its own behalf; and every soul shall be paid in full for what it did, and they shall not be wronged."

What has my soul done during this month of Ramadan? What has it done? What do I have to report? I have been fleeing from the reality of the world, hiding somewhere I don't recognize. I live in my office, my green striped prayer rug complimenting my dying cactus. (How and why is my cactus dying?) I live in my room. I eat, and sometimes nap in the adjacent room. I find little or no reason to leave this seat. I sit, and I sit. I sit until my legs ache. I sit and I watch. I watch until my eyes hurt. I read, write, and talk to my computer screen. I have no contact with people outside of my family. I think how different it was! How different was my last Ramadan! How focused, how keen I was on what I needed to do. This Ramadan has not been the same. Most of the day, I am trying problems, writing emails that no one responds to. I cook less often than I did in the past. I do not make myself available. I read obscure and irrelevant books. I do not recognize who I am. I reject the opportunity to work with my closest friends. I want only to hide in this room. I have not been outside in 7 days. Last Thursday I went to the Idealist Career Fair. Since then, I have been in my room. Hidden.

What will my soul report? My soul will mourn this lost opportunity.

What preoccupies me most are planned conversations, things to do, lists, and essays to write. I have done nothing. NOTHING! I feel like an epic failure today. Not one connection. Not one point of entry into the life of another. What is the point then, if we do not strive for the best that we seek to do? What is the point of mediocrity?

I need to take another ridiculous exam. These tests are folly. The real test appears on Judgement Day. And that test I will surely fail.

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