Why Not Friendship (Revised Again)
It is difficult to be merely a friend to a boy who seems more suitable as a husband. To be ready for the life partner, that dramatic change that you call marriage, you must be ready for (1) intimacy (of all sorts) (2)self-sacrifice (3)challenge and compromise. The warm permanence, fuzziness, or whatever else you previously used to characterize friendship is now more intense because you have found your best friend. It is as if appreciation and gratitude have conquered your chest and made the reality of trust and love more apparent.
If he is your friend, he will understand your fear. You are a kid, a mere 20 something with virtually no life experience under your proverbial belt (you don't like constraining accessories like belts). Yet he is still worth the risk, but you wonder why he thinks you are worth the gamble. To regard someone as your spouse, to reference "our kids" casually in conversation, to think about niqqah, polygamy and marriage--these are necessary given your current position, but still slightly on the verge of incredulity. You realized when you first spoke to him, the very first time, that he would become your best friend. Now he wants to up the stakes to husband. You realize this is your ultimate fantasy come true because now, if Allah wills it, you can marry your best friend.
What if there is no apprehension when you are in his company? What if, for the first time in your life, you feel you are not guilty of anything? For the first time, you do not feel that you are doing something wrong because here is the guy you feel you can spend your entire life with? Sitting at Starbucks until it is closed as an obscene hour is delightful, not an ethical dilemma. Suppose you feel for the first time that he is worth a sizable risk to your independence and free spirit? That you might even consider changing your terrible habits for him? You feel for the first time that you have not been coerced into a decision because he has been sufficiently patient with you for eight months, and will continue to be so with your new-found married-filing-joint status on your tax returns.
There is only one option when it seems that your heart has made a ruling. Issues of fellowships, of time, of money, of logistics--these are set aside for the ultimate goal of marrying for the sake of Allah. This is the love that is often neglected, the one least considered by 20 something year olds because it the hardest to figure out. This is the love that allows mutual respect to grow until each decides that the other is irreplaceable. At this point, the desire for exploration ceases. And marriage is the only thing that preoccupies you.
It is difficult to be merely a friend to a boy who seems more suitable as a husband. To be ready for the life partner, that dramatic change that you call marriage, you must be ready for (1) intimacy (of all sorts) (2)self-sacrifice (3)challenge and compromise. The warm permanence, fuzziness, or whatever else you previously used to characterize friendship is now more intense because you have found your best friend. It is as if appreciation and gratitude have conquered your chest and made the reality of trust and love more apparent.
If he is your friend, he will understand your fear. You are a kid, a mere 20 something with virtually no life experience under your proverbial belt (you don't like constraining accessories like belts). Yet he is still worth the risk, but you wonder why he thinks you are worth the gamble. To regard someone as your spouse, to reference "our kids" casually in conversation, to think about niqqah, polygamy and marriage--these are necessary given your current position, but still slightly on the verge of incredulity. You realized when you first spoke to him, the very first time, that he would become your best friend. Now he wants to up the stakes to husband. You realize this is your ultimate fantasy come true because now, if Allah wills it, you can marry your best friend.
What if there is no apprehension when you are in his company? What if, for the first time in your life, you feel you are not guilty of anything? For the first time, you do not feel that you are doing something wrong because here is the guy you feel you can spend your entire life with? Sitting at Starbucks until it is closed as an obscene hour is delightful, not an ethical dilemma. Suppose you feel for the first time that he is worth a sizable risk to your independence and free spirit? That you might even consider changing your terrible habits for him? You feel for the first time that you have not been coerced into a decision because he has been sufficiently patient with you for eight months, and will continue to be so with your new-found married-filing-joint status on your tax returns.
There is only one option when it seems that your heart has made a ruling. Issues of fellowships, of time, of money, of logistics--these are set aside for the ultimate goal of marrying for the sake of Allah. This is the love that is often neglected, the one least considered by 20 something year olds because it the hardest to figure out. This is the love that allows mutual respect to grow until each decides that the other is irreplaceable. At this point, the desire for exploration ceases. And marriage is the only thing that preoccupies you.
“At the heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.”
ReplyDeleteThe teacher goes on to explain that the "purpose of intimacy is to relax from the seriousness of life."
compare this idea to your outlined thoughts of marriage as: intimacy, self-sacrifice, and challenge/compromise. if you combine the two definitions one can derive a definition of love: self-sacrifice and challenge/compromise.
This goes along well with the idea brought by the Prophet Muhammad (May God's Peace and Blessings Be upon him Eternally) when he told Umar (May God be pleased with him) that he will not truly believe until Umar loved the Prophet (PBUH) more than he loved himself. (Umar then followed by stating that, verily he did love the Prophet (PBUH) more than himself).
This held true for most of the sahaba (may God be pleased with them all). They sacrificed so much to be the companions; status, wealth, health, and life. They were challenged time and time again with hardship, and the need to compromise their well-being (i see this going more with the self-sacrifice than with the challenge prong).
Even more appealing to the binarist (if that's a word) in each of us, is the duality of marriage: love (which seems to be wrought with hardship) and intimacy (which seems to be the release from hardship). Can each exist independent of the other? And if so, why marriage then?
Well, since I am not a huge proponent of binaries I will offer another version. It is a matter of degree; the greater the love, the greater the intimacy. When love is at the level of a friendship, the correlative intimacy seems to be at the level of spending time with each other, perhaps at a ballgame or the movies or shopping. When love is at a minimum (perhaps with someone you dislike), there is a minimal level of intimacy.
Marriage is the pinnacle of human relationship/companionship. The love is so great (to the degree of putting another before yourself), that the intimacy level must also be great, thus requiring this bond. Some would proffer that marriage is not necessary for one to reach those levels, I would counter with this: what is more self-sacrificing/challenging than closing the possibility of another intimate (of the highest order) relationship?
And this brings us to the ultimate version of this degreed binary. Submission to God. The love of God is met with a number of personal challenges and self-sacrifices in following out the rules of God. In some instances it requires us to follow without inquiry (ex. praying five times a day instead of four, fasting the month of Ramadan instead of Sha'ban); this is the ultimate love. As for intimacy, Heaven is the culmination of the love we show to Allah during our life. Nothing is more intimate to the submissive than being in the presence of God eternally. May God bless us all with the ability to love Him so that He may grant us His Presence. Amin. Thoomma Amin.
subhanAllah .
ReplyDeleteI am excited for you guys' sake
:-)
(and, also, thanx anonymous for that :-) )
I must admit I was taken aback by the email, but I wish you both the BEST life can bring. Enjoy it together.
ReplyDeleteYou will always be in my prayers.
-- friend in the South Seas