Why does doing the right thing leave me feeling dejected and worthless? Why am I sad when I gain strength from my difference? What if I demoralize the rest, and set for myself these standards of conduct that are just not in sync with the rest of normativity? I convince myself, it is for Principle. But really I am a coward. I am risk-averse. I am unimaginative. I am bland, and spineless. This is the irony.
What does it mean to do things for Allah? To make hajj was for Allah. To pray, to critically think about my relationship with God every now and again--these are things I do with the desire of pleasing God. But when is my pleasure, and what makes me happy a factor in my decision making? Not often. I have relinquished my happiness to Him but still momentarily feel wrought with emotions.
It is far easier to follow the black and white world of right and wrong than it is to make decisions on a case to case basis, to think about the nuances in every situation. I suppose I am not for law school, because I have a strange affinity to the "choose your binary" mantra. Sometimes I like things both ways, but "both" is almost never an option. In the Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenence" , "mu" delineates a third option beyond yes and no. It means "unask the question," as if one can move beyond the dual response to a third option above and prior to the question. Last year, I think I first encountered the word. I wish I had used it today.
My feelings of loss will pass, as do all feelings of pain. Inshallah. Memories of joy overtake them, and I am left feeling more grateful for the goodness of my wholesome experiences. Alhamdullilah.
What does it mean to do things for Allah? To make hajj was for Allah. To pray, to critically think about my relationship with God every now and again--these are things I do with the desire of pleasing God. But when is my pleasure, and what makes me happy a factor in my decision making? Not often. I have relinquished my happiness to Him but still momentarily feel wrought with emotions.
It is far easier to follow the black and white world of right and wrong than it is to make decisions on a case to case basis, to think about the nuances in every situation. I suppose I am not for law school, because I have a strange affinity to the "choose your binary" mantra. Sometimes I like things both ways, but "both" is almost never an option. In the Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenence" , "mu" delineates a third option beyond yes and no. It means "unask the question," as if one can move beyond the dual response to a third option above and prior to the question. Last year, I think I first encountered the word. I wish I had used it today.
My feelings of loss will pass, as do all feelings of pain. Inshallah. Memories of joy overtake them, and I am left feeling more grateful for the goodness of my wholesome experiences. Alhamdullilah.
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