Some days, I wish I could disappear. I wish I would access to the opportunities and freedom to live independently, to make independent choices, to have the option to choose how to spend my morning. There are days I wish I could book a flight and fly to another part of the country, another part of the world for work, or for pleasure, for necessity, for any reason at all just because I was an independent woman.
I am not an independent woman. I am "tethered" to a house and a family in suburban New Jersey. There are days I like being tethered and then there are days that I wish I could be tethered elsewhere, and be more selective about who I am tethered to. I am surprised by the lack of possibility that exists for me now. I miss the urban sprawl of my life, though I admire the many advantages to a clean, noise-free, isolating life of suburbia. I am quickly becoming a woman gone to waste. I am highly dissatisfied certain mornings when the first thing I have to do is clean up after my parents. Some morning I resent having to wash cups and dishes and pots that I am not responsible for. And then I do it anyway. I see it as an exercise in self discipline. I change my attitude. I try to say bismillah and get some reward out of this mundane task of washing the teapot. I sometimes time myself, do the task quicker, faster, better than I did before.
For many months I did escape. The escape was worse than the prison. I was chained not to chores or tasks or ways of thinking but rather engulfed in this mess of love outside of marriage. I was in love with my work, even though it was only a part time thing in midtown, the sense of purpose I felt walking down the street to my office was great. I loved having a cubicle, tasks, and accomplishing tasks on a daily basis. I loved something again. I loved writing, and editing. I belabored emails to the point of insanity, when a friend helped me realize the email should sound like you-- a professional you. It doesn't have to be written with so much thought and painstaking detail. I learned that after hours, there was so much work to be done at home, reports to finish, reports to read, that the work day never really ended. There was so much to do and yet, here I was in love outside of my home, my marriage. I loved being in love.
I fell in love multiple times. I loved my religion once, but now I find it slightly more oppressive. I am amazed at how people use their learning to keep others oppressed, to wave their level of education and smarts and academic attainment as a means of keeping others down. I hate this part of academia and I never want to be part of that.
But when I imagine living elsewhere, in an alternate life, I imagine having TOTAL ownership and control over my environment. If something breaks, I am responsible for fixing it. I loved having ownership of my program, Remembering Forward. If my program failed, and no one showed up, it was my fault. It was my responsibility. Responsibility bites your ass and you bite back.
I choose to change my condition. I choose to do more than this, whatever it is that I am doing. I want more than the role and life of a housewife and a woman who helps her family. These are not whole job descriptions. These are just some of the things you have to do. I want more than this room. I want my own studio, my own set of wheels, my own freedom.
The problem with freedom, of course, is that you make the wrong decisions, sometimes more frequently than you would like to admit. I made a lot of poor choices, and thought only of myself many days. After I made those decisions, I did not wish I chose otherwise. I am grateful for making the mistakes because I like the learning involved. The end result was a product, a more nuanced thinking human being who was conscious of her mistakes, and commits never to fall back into that way of thinking. Part of me still glorifies the wrongdoing, the selfishness, and lauds its manifestation in the lives of my girlfriends. I admire their ability to do what they love. I admire their ability to do as they please and to make something grand of themselves.
I can do it, too, but do I need to be tethered to do it? Can I not be tethered for 2 years and then be tethered again? Would I even be able to un-tether myself for a brief moment in order to get things done? Would I be able to do it? Does it even exist as an option? I finished my last year of college, shuttling back and forth between New York and New Jersey, 3 times a week. I had my own place but my husband would come and get me frequently. I would leave my place in the city for the comfort of my family at home. I did this for 9 months. Would I be able to withstand the distance? Would I be able to withstand a long distance relationship? So many people do it! What's the problem with that? What am I not considering?
I am not an independent woman. I am "tethered" to a house and a family in suburban New Jersey. There are days I like being tethered and then there are days that I wish I could be tethered elsewhere, and be more selective about who I am tethered to. I am surprised by the lack of possibility that exists for me now. I miss the urban sprawl of my life, though I admire the many advantages to a clean, noise-free, isolating life of suburbia. I am quickly becoming a woman gone to waste. I am highly dissatisfied certain mornings when the first thing I have to do is clean up after my parents. Some morning I resent having to wash cups and dishes and pots that I am not responsible for. And then I do it anyway. I see it as an exercise in self discipline. I change my attitude. I try to say bismillah and get some reward out of this mundane task of washing the teapot. I sometimes time myself, do the task quicker, faster, better than I did before.
For many months I did escape. The escape was worse than the prison. I was chained not to chores or tasks or ways of thinking but rather engulfed in this mess of love outside of marriage. I was in love with my work, even though it was only a part time thing in midtown, the sense of purpose I felt walking down the street to my office was great. I loved having a cubicle, tasks, and accomplishing tasks on a daily basis. I loved something again. I loved writing, and editing. I belabored emails to the point of insanity, when a friend helped me realize the email should sound like you-- a professional you. It doesn't have to be written with so much thought and painstaking detail. I learned that after hours, there was so much work to be done at home, reports to finish, reports to read, that the work day never really ended. There was so much to do and yet, here I was in love outside of my home, my marriage. I loved being in love.
I fell in love multiple times. I loved my religion once, but now I find it slightly more oppressive. I am amazed at how people use their learning to keep others oppressed, to wave their level of education and smarts and academic attainment as a means of keeping others down. I hate this part of academia and I never want to be part of that.
But when I imagine living elsewhere, in an alternate life, I imagine having TOTAL ownership and control over my environment. If something breaks, I am responsible for fixing it. I loved having ownership of my program, Remembering Forward. If my program failed, and no one showed up, it was my fault. It was my responsibility. Responsibility bites your ass and you bite back.
I choose to change my condition. I choose to do more than this, whatever it is that I am doing. I want more than the role and life of a housewife and a woman who helps her family. These are not whole job descriptions. These are just some of the things you have to do. I want more than this room. I want my own studio, my own set of wheels, my own freedom.
The problem with freedom, of course, is that you make the wrong decisions, sometimes more frequently than you would like to admit. I made a lot of poor choices, and thought only of myself many days. After I made those decisions, I did not wish I chose otherwise. I am grateful for making the mistakes because I like the learning involved. The end result was a product, a more nuanced thinking human being who was conscious of her mistakes, and commits never to fall back into that way of thinking. Part of me still glorifies the wrongdoing, the selfishness, and lauds its manifestation in the lives of my girlfriends. I admire their ability to do what they love. I admire their ability to do as they please and to make something grand of themselves.
I can do it, too, but do I need to be tethered to do it? Can I not be tethered for 2 years and then be tethered again? Would I even be able to un-tether myself for a brief moment in order to get things done? Would I be able to do it? Does it even exist as an option? I finished my last year of college, shuttling back and forth between New York and New Jersey, 3 times a week. I had my own place but my husband would come and get me frequently. I would leave my place in the city for the comfort of my family at home. I did this for 9 months. Would I be able to withstand the distance? Would I be able to withstand a long distance relationship? So many people do it! What's the problem with that? What am I not considering?
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