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Life is the Routine

Life is about the routines, the behaviors that you perform each and every day. I believe its important to act on the values that you have, to instill in yourself the acts that will bring you towards a larger goal. For most people today, there is no larger goal. Life is a set of routines: wake up, go to work, eat, sleep, shower, pray. Does one act mean more than another? Sure, depending on what your values are, certain acts are more meaningful than others. Each individual has a set of values that she enacts in her routine.

In the routine, I find that certain values are not being played out. I find that certain values are absent and that if anything, I am in trouble because I have not delivered on what I had promised. I am not holding up to my side of the bargain. In those instances, I am deceiving myself. I am annoyed with the endless tasks to do, and the responsibility of it all. On one hand, I want total control and responsibility; on the other hand, I wish others would just "take care of it." Taking this responsibility is freeing. You feel you are free because you are taking steps to recognize your fault in all that goes wrong. A lot of things can happen, and often times, these events are outside of your control. But striving for a little control, a little self discipline is the basis for the routine.

So what are the values that are the basis for my routine? How does the value of "doing the right thing" play out in our daily life? The impulse to do good is what makes us human, but in order to act on that impulse we must do a lot more than go to work, serve people, teach, etc. The impulse is only that-- an impulse. I would strive to make that impulse into a flexing muscle, something that is tangible and real in the world.

The last days of 2009 reminds me of all the routines that I have played out this year. Some of the routines and values were toxic; some felt freeing and good. Sitting in the Prophet's Mosque in Medina, sharing my attar (oil-based perfume) felt good. Sitting in front of the computer, spending hours on gchat felt toxic.

Ultimately, I am grateful for having a moral compass. I am grateful for consciousness. I am grateful that I have an innate sense of what is good and what is bad. I have an innate sense of NOT doing harm to myself or others, even if it takes me an agonizingly long time to figure it out. I am grateful for the mistakes because I know not to commit those mistakes again. I have not fully accepted the sin in my heart; and sometimes, instead, remember the past with nostalgia. I think putting my grandmother in the nursing home facilitated her death. She was alone for so many hours of the day, whereas before, she was under the constant watchful and paranoid eyes of my Nana. My husband left for hajj and it was an isolating, slightly destructive time filled with hours of hulu. I dislike tv and for me to spend an entire day in front of the tv, I know there will be punishment involved. 2009 was the first time I went to Disneyworld, the first time I went to Istanbul, and the third time I went to Saudi Arabia. 2009 was the first time I spent Eid with my mother. I learned that I prefer to be left alone to being constantly waited on by my mother. She will always be my mother, and while I appreciate her concern, and constant criticism about what I'm doing wrong in my life, I prefer that criticism at a distance. I do feel good that her home is always clean and that there is always excellent food to eat. Here, there is always restaurant food, alhamdullilah, but nothing quite as good as my Ma's daily homecooked meals and beautiful home. 2009 I also ran my own community program, got my license, and made some real connections to my community. 2009 was the first time I had traveled without my husband for work in Chicago. I realized I don't want to travel for work. I also saw Up in the Air recently, and it confirmed my decision not to travel for work. This Sunday, I also saw Avatar which confirmed nothing except that 3D IMax is awesome. (Another first for me!) 2009 was an intense year in so many ways. And now I have to figure out how to get to where I want to be in 2010. It all starts with a better routine.

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