"You find yourself back to the people you love." I am quoting myself from a conversation I had with my long time friend and mentor, Shreya who worked as a youth coordinator at SAYA! and now serves as program director for SNLP. The words just came to me when I IMmed her one lazy Friday afternoon, when I skipped work at the pharmacy. I have been working as a technician at my dad's pharmacy, working the Western Union computer, cashier, money order machine, along with other things I never imagined after graduation. But Alhamdullilah, I am learning a great deal about myself that I sometimes genuinely consider the possibility of full-time housewife as a job description. Of course, the homestead requires as much hardwork as outside employment--yet there is no physical supervisor at home; I am my own boss. I clean when I want; cook what I want. There are outside influences that dictate HOW I cook, and manage the home, but still, it is largely my own decision...
My reflections on homestead life are indeed an entire blog entry in itself. I will save these thoughts for another time.
So I am finding myself back to the people I love. I reunited recently (end of December) with one of my closest companions from high school. The blog was the source of our separation and as a result, I will avoid writing explicitly of our conversations/adventures. (The blog ironically was the source of my union with Mohamed, since he has always been my one consistent reader. ) Shreya was next Jan 6th exactly). THen this past weekend, I saw another companion on the Asian Variety SHow. The last I spoke to him, he had gotten remarried and had a baby. Now, on my television, he explained his latest project--a desi girl magazine, the details of which are not worth mentioning. He spoke of his project defensively, as if he knew consciously what was problematic about his magazine spread from the onset (psuedo-naked desi girls on the beach).
So there seems to be a wave of people coming back into Sadia's radar. I believe that God brings people into your life and takes them away-- and these timings are unjustifiably justified. Now the question I wondered about this morning, was "Is it necessary to declare how important people are in your life to those individuals who may not know it." With some people, it is easy to profess love. Mohamed says its not about what you say, but how you show your love. My dad also says, it is more important to make other people happy than to make yourself happy (he said this in relation to cooking foods I like as opposed to foods others could legitimately eat under diet). Well, by father-son logic, I would be selfish in actively seeking out these individuals to tell them what they mean to me because I would not be able to move beyond that declaration, i.e. I would not be able to show my sentiments in any meaningful way. ALso I think I would create turmoil and confusion by sharing. Still I have a longing to tell them.
My best friend once told me he loved me and I deleted the message from my inbox. He died on December 22nd in his sleep. I never hugged him. Never showed my affections. Only managed to get nervous when he was around me, and spend some time eating, talking and occasionally smoking. He was the first person I ever told about Mohamed. That was the summer of 2005, in Astoria. I told him about two seemingly random guys, one of whom I married six months later. He came to my wedding reception in august 2006 in New Jersey. And that was the last I saw of him physically. But I think about him a lot, often in relation to God. Maybe he knew how much I loved him. Maybe he didn't. I dont know if it would have made a difference. But now, what matters is that I continue to pray for His/his forgiveness.
Yet that experience makes me feel like I should let others know. Intuitively it feels like the right thing to do. But intuitions often make you act stupidly. SO there lies the dilemma.
My reflections on homestead life are indeed an entire blog entry in itself. I will save these thoughts for another time.
So I am finding myself back to the people I love. I reunited recently (end of December) with one of my closest companions from high school. The blog was the source of our separation and as a result, I will avoid writing explicitly of our conversations/adventures. (The blog ironically was the source of my union with Mohamed, since he has always been my one consistent reader. ) Shreya was next Jan 6th exactly). THen this past weekend, I saw another companion on the Asian Variety SHow. The last I spoke to him, he had gotten remarried and had a baby. Now, on my television, he explained his latest project--a desi girl magazine, the details of which are not worth mentioning. He spoke of his project defensively, as if he knew consciously what was problematic about his magazine spread from the onset (psuedo-naked desi girls on the beach).
So there seems to be a wave of people coming back into Sadia's radar. I believe that God brings people into your life and takes them away-- and these timings are unjustifiably justified. Now the question I wondered about this morning, was "Is it necessary to declare how important people are in your life to those individuals who may not know it." With some people, it is easy to profess love. Mohamed says its not about what you say, but how you show your love. My dad also says, it is more important to make other people happy than to make yourself happy (he said this in relation to cooking foods I like as opposed to foods others could legitimately eat under diet). Well, by father-son logic, I would be selfish in actively seeking out these individuals to tell them what they mean to me because I would not be able to move beyond that declaration, i.e. I would not be able to show my sentiments in any meaningful way. ALso I think I would create turmoil and confusion by sharing. Still I have a longing to tell them.
My best friend once told me he loved me and I deleted the message from my inbox. He died on December 22nd in his sleep. I never hugged him. Never showed my affections. Only managed to get nervous when he was around me, and spend some time eating, talking and occasionally smoking. He was the first person I ever told about Mohamed. That was the summer of 2005, in Astoria. I told him about two seemingly random guys, one of whom I married six months later. He came to my wedding reception in august 2006 in New Jersey. And that was the last I saw of him physically. But I think about him a lot, often in relation to God. Maybe he knew how much I loved him. Maybe he didn't. I dont know if it would have made a difference. But now, what matters is that I continue to pray for His/his forgiveness.
Yet that experience makes me feel like I should let others know. Intuitively it feels like the right thing to do. But intuitions often make you act stupidly. SO there lies the dilemma.
No one can ever really be articulate when it comes to affection, express the full range of bonds that go beyond what is tangible. But people have tried for ages to make use of language to express love. The range of expression we are able to convey through language is one of the most distinct qualities that separate humans from all other species. Yet it also appears to me that you can spot genuine, beautiful expressions of affection amongst other animals too, and so perhaps the quest to find the perfect way to articulate affection is ultimately an unfulfilling exertion. Our bodies are communicative, our gestures and efforts for one another are communicative, sometimes serving much more powerfully than language itself.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that as one develops a substantial history with people - family, friends, significant others, that the attempt to articulate such overwhelming bonds appear increasingly contrived or inadequate. Yet recognizing one another for the place they have in our lives becomes increasingly important, and so however we communicate it, with language or not, if the intention is clear, then such recognition can serve to strengthen bonds between people, to reassure people, to allay their own fears about how they communicate and connect with others, because obviously their efforts have been felt and internalized by you.
It's kind of the opposite of the thinking Teresa has at the end of The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Instead of wondering how much Tomas loves her, and how to gauge the affection he has for her, your question looks at the self first - how do YOU communicate affection out to others, how do you appreciate the people around you, and as such thinking is reflective of recognizing the value of people in your life, it may protect those around you from developing the same destructive inquiries of love that people who are not appreciated as they should be, may develop.
-d
Dhikhri (my dear in gurarati):
ReplyDeleteFirst: WOW. I have a strange impulse to copy and paste that into my next paper.
Second: It seems that you are saying that I don't have to say anything at all; that the implicit modes of human communication--body language, tone of voice, gestures, etc.-- can convey affection. I think those other communicative modes are necessary but not sufficient to convey affection.
However, the words "I love you" never ceases to have impact, when said for the first or last time. There is a context to "I love you" that I never imagined possible but truly these words convey something deeper and more meaningful than smiling profusely, or sweating a storm when a beautiful girl enters the room. I think "I love you" is sufficient to convey affection under the proper circumstances.
Your main idea:"[R]ecognizing one another for the place they have in our lives becomes increasingly important, and so how ever we communicate it, with language or not, if the intention is clear, then such recognition can serve to strengthen bonds between people, to reassure people, to allay their own fears about how they communicate and connect with others, because obviously their efforts have been felt and internalized by you."
Sadia's response: WOW.
Sadia's auxiliary response:
Recognizing another person's place in our lives is important. ANd sharing that recognition with others is equally important. Is that what you are saying?
How can you make your INTENTION clear in this matter? WHat is a plausible intention in this matter?
What if there were no efforts on the other side? What if this act of confessing affection served merely as an ego-booster for the other individual? Is that problematic? I think we would both agree that that is why the intention is important. So that God knows what lies in our hearts.
Jazak'Allah khairun
I'm not arguing language away, but rather that the pressures we feel to articulate the depth of our feelings about someone, when spoken or written to that person ultimately will never fully suffice, will never contain the full range of emotions that someone we love incites within us. Language is imperfect in this way, and there are moments one may experience where the notion of even trying to express feelings in words seems preposterous, or even unneccessary for both persons, yet is implicitly understood through a glance, or a smile. It is not that you don't have to say anything at all, but the opposite; rather the pressures we feel of how to convey it all. We can't. Sometimes language just fails us, seems too simple for the many nuances of affection, the overwhelming magnitude of what we feel.
ReplyDeleteYet ultimately, no matter how we convey affection, it is the intention underlying it that counts. Don't you hate overhearing people use phrases like "I love you" in such a rote fashion, as if it was an obligation upon them? Such "fraudulence" is not limited to language - its like when people hug you without warmth, or are hospitable to you because they feel they must be, as opposed to genuinely wanting to make you feel comfortable out of love for you.
Why is it said that a look of love towards your mother may give you the rewards of completing Hajj? Nia is so important, and it is deeply personal. How can anyone else really be assured of your nia but God? We may trust in it,or someone may attest to having held a certain intention, but there is no failsafe way to know of someone else's nia for sure. I think of the people I love as blessings I have been bestowed with, and it is important for me to love them as best I can out of gratitude for what God has provided me with. I struggle with expressing this love too, but however foolishly or less than adequately it comes out, I know it to exist, and God knows it to exist, and so however it comes out, at least I have this knowledge as a comfort. I do think we should recognize people for the benefit they give to our lives, but the way we express it should be a conscious effort, an effort you intend to be positive for the both of you.
This is nice, I miss talking to you :) Just like old times - near three in the morning and an early class tomorrow - you're so much more thought provoking than most of my classes!