Fascination

I resort to writing it seems in times of extreme stress or blissful nonactivity. Today, I (probably) failed my logic midterm, realized I have three papers due next week, realized that the dysfunctional computer brings me more pain than anything else has in the past month, and that a empty stomach and going to sleep hungry is tolerable. Despite all this, I feel inspired by individuals I hardly know, by their conversations, and their presences I enjoy so immensely that all else is bearable.

Although I have no problem using those names name on my blog, I think it best to exclude names because 1) they do not necessarily read my blog 2) they would find me extremely weird 3) previous bad experiences with the use of names and 4) to have others wondering who are the mysterious new characters that I have chosen to write about.

First let me preface the follow exaltation of people with the dysfunctioning of machines in my life. There is deathly blue screen that has taken more than my productivity. It has replaced what little respect I had for machines with total frustration, filled me with general inaptitude and longing, and for the most part, defeated my soul. These hyperboles, I hope, express something more than exaggerated sentiment. My computer may just be one of other machines (like the brain, and the body) that do not seem to be operating efficiently. I've started sleeping in class, and forgetting material I have JUST read. These are signs of malfunctioning.

What is efficient and unchanged is my ability to keep up good conversation with individuals I hardly know. It can be a computer lab or a park bench, I can encounter Quality Beings everywhere. I am mostly puzzled by altruism, generous offers that cannot be reciprocated with any kindness on my end. Charisma, I discussed at length with another individual I just met and both of us marveled--yes marveled--at the dynamic, global, extraordinary charisma of this individual. It is rare to encounter such individuals in life, individuals who fill you with a wonder and challenge your ideas because they can.

My professors and TAs of course challenge me without recourse, but they have no vested interest in my how I am feeling. These individuals in power are concerned only with the presentation of ideas. Philosophy, in particular, seems to be more concerned with the form of presentation than the content of what I write. The aesthetic form of how I present an argument in papers is inextricably linked to the quality (or lack thereof) of what I present. Normally, I am a proponent of style over substance (as my essay in Mercer Street would clearly show), but this fascination with style is biting my kister like nothing else ever has done. So this is a argument of my present state:

To do well in philosophy, one must present ideas logically.
I am not logical.
Therefore, I cannot do well in philosophy.

This is an INVALID argument because the fact that I am not logical does not mean that I cannot learn to present ideas logically. Moreover, the fact that I have not learned to do so in the past year, also does not mean I cannot do well in philosophy. Thus, it is the case that I can AND WILL do better in philosophy (and hopefully, also Logic). (Inshallah)

Unlike TAs or professors who don't care if I am too sick to go to class or write their papers, these fantastic, new friend(s) do seem to care. Some I think about when I pray. On another thread entirely, some think I might be good at slumber parties, but I deny this. It really depends on who is at this slumber party. I imagine if this is a haram slumber party, I might be more than exciting. But if it is a girls' party, I might just fall asleep.