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Self Evaluations

I suppose I reduce the world to black and white, good and bad, moral and immoral. I believe that my faith prescribes a certain system of conduct, and with that system, there are fundamentals. I think over time the fundamentals seem even more codified, even though I don't believe that God wants to make it hard for us to follow His laws. If He is infinitely merciful, then the decisions we make should be pleasing to first Him and then us. Our happiness, like Paradise now, should not be entirely sacrificed because what would God want from such a sacrifice? What would be the point of such sacrifice for God? What does it mean for me to say that these sacrifices are for something Higher, Greater, Unknown that I cannot explain in rational terms?

Why do we continue to deny ourselves with the promise of Paradise? Why can't paradise be now? There is a balanced way to live our lives that keeps Islam in the center, but does not reduce the world to a Muslims-only bubble. I don't know if I am growing or regressing with my ideas. I do not always feel there is evolution of thought. Most of the ideas I present are experienced in this moment of stagnation. I feel essentially stagnant. My soul, my work, my ideas--nothing is moving right now.

The world became smaller when I paid $120 in fines for sheer stupidity, and laziness. I paid in my grades, for a 11 day old paper on nationalism, and gender in India that was an A+ marked down to a B+. For philosophy, I was marked down from a B+ to C+ due to delinquency, and general disregard for deadlines. I have to do four seminars instead of two because I forgot to apply to a program. I had my colleague finish my report for work when I failed to have it ready for a deadline. I am denying myself my potential because of my lack of discipline, under the aupices of "nonexistent work ethic." I have denied myself the comfort of home and sleep, because I sit before my computer idly wasting time. I have denied myself good company because I can't keep my thoughts inside. I've written more letters of apology than actual papers. And I have brought down Prophet Isa's name on top of it all. Astagfirullah.

Instead of these internal musings, I may just post my papers and have you read them. Personal reflection may just be too draining during exam time. My blog is supposed to be theraputic, but other than the joy of writing, I do not see any progress, or evolution in my behavior, conduct, or the sudden acquisition of discipline.

Dates:

5: Board meeting
weekend: learn a semesters worth of material in a day (i sincerely love studying for exams)
5-9: Crazy seminar week, career development
12: Final
19: Paper, Final
24-13 : Away
There's a third final, but I don't know when or where or on what...

Comments

  1. A12/01/2005

    You probably thought Maid Marian was an immoral whore, ehehehe. I'd like credit for these worthless quizzes.

    ReplyDelete

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