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"Joining a radical movement when one is young is very much like falling in love when one is young. The girl may turn out to be rotten, but the experience of love is so valuable it can never be entirely undone by the ultimate disenchantment.”

Irving Kristol's words resonated with me today as i considered the early days of activism that I thought defined me as an individual. I began to shift through old emails I had accumulated and was overcome by the nostalgia of a former self I did not recognize. I came across a conversation--how I love that our conversations these days are permanently saved on gmail-- that left me puzzled. In the conversation, my late friend Conor advised me to "recognize the one," to basically stop wandering when I had already arrived at clarity. How strange, that five years ago, he knew what I needed, what I still need to hear. He had told me this five years ago. Five years ago.

How extraordinary is the life of every human being that finds herself on a path of reckoning with her conscience, and ultimately with her Creator. She thinks she does what is right, what is just, but she has no idea what lies in the hearts of others, those that she considers her allies, her friends. How unfortunate, ultimately, that becomes when you try to substitute purpose with relationships, or people, or even ideas like justice. There is only one purpose. And that purpose is muddled depending on who you talk to, what ideas float around in your head. The purpose is muddled by existence, the routine, the day to day existence.

Joining a radical movement when I was young was never part of the plan. It feels like it was radical now, yes, to be in a progressive space. TO feel love and hate for the hypocrisy and ambivalence they felt to themselves but the passion they held for ideas. I found it inconsistent, fleeting. Much like a first love. The experience of love is invaluable at whatever stage it comes. The disenchantment or continued enchantment is real. One must think about what i means to be a believer in a time of disbelief, as all of time stands in disbelief.

The only reality is that God is great. God is Greater than this.

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