It is difficult to be merely a friend to a boy who seems more suitable as a husband than a friend. To reduce a potential life partner to a friend is immature and selfish. Friendship is the not the greatest type of relationship, but it is the safest. Friendship allows you to be intimate without the messiness of other things, like physical attraction, etc. Between friends, there is a warm permanence, a fuzziness that can be called appreciation and gratitude. There is also comfort and trust. Friendship is great if only for the possibility that one can know the beauty of another human being. The possibility of that is worth the difficulty of all else.
But sometimes friendship is not enough. Sometimes, to reduce someone to friend when he should be much more is an affront to the opportunity God has presented before you. It is like saying to him, I know that we are amazing together, but we should be friends because I am a dumbass. To reduce him to friend also precludes the possibility of love.
If he is your friend, he will understand your fear. He will help you with your cost-benefit analysis of why/why not friendship. However, the possibility of more will not always be there. He may not always be available for you. And you may not wait for him. The convoluted stages of a relationship--the concern, compassion, affection, wonder, confusion, happiness--may not develop if you decide that you have no courage for risks. There is a limit to which mutual understanding will terminate if you decide that he is too much of a risk. That termination point should not be created prematurely. That potential for love, too, must not be killed prematurely. Granted there is a lot of work, a lot of conscious effort, involved in a love-relationship, but these efforts must be agreed upon. If the love stirrs inside you in his company, then surely, your rational self cannot decide to end what is natural and normal and wonderful for you to feel.
Two scenarios arise from friendship-turned-relationship. Worst case scenario: the love is reciprocated but the timing is wrong. In the worst case, the time adds distance and frustration makes you weary of your other responsibilities. Best case scenario: Your mutual respect and love grow until both parties decide that each is irreplaceable. At this point, the desire for exploration ceases. And you get married.
I may not add more entries to the blog for a long time. I hope you have enjoyed what I given. Please call or write to me if you would like to discuss.
I miss my husband! I wrote this about him and it feels good to read it now, after all this time, this is what I return to. These posts, this writing, this way of thinking always fills me a gratitude because here lies the trajectory of my thought over the past 4 years. How greatly things have changed, and have remained the same. I am grateful I am able to see this transcript.
But sometimes friendship is not enough. Sometimes, to reduce someone to friend when he should be much more is an affront to the opportunity God has presented before you. It is like saying to him, I know that we are amazing together, but we should be friends because I am a dumbass. To reduce him to friend also precludes the possibility of love.
If he is your friend, he will understand your fear. He will help you with your cost-benefit analysis of why/why not friendship. However, the possibility of more will not always be there. He may not always be available for you. And you may not wait for him. The convoluted stages of a relationship--the concern, compassion, affection, wonder, confusion, happiness--may not develop if you decide that you have no courage for risks. There is a limit to which mutual understanding will terminate if you decide that he is too much of a risk. That termination point should not be created prematurely. That potential for love, too, must not be killed prematurely. Granted there is a lot of work, a lot of conscious effort, involved in a love-relationship, but these efforts must be agreed upon. If the love stirrs inside you in his company, then surely, your rational self cannot decide to end what is natural and normal and wonderful for you to feel.
Two scenarios arise from friendship-turned-relationship. Worst case scenario: the love is reciprocated but the timing is wrong. In the worst case, the time adds distance and frustration makes you weary of your other responsibilities. Best case scenario: Your mutual respect and love grow until both parties decide that each is irreplaceable. At this point, the desire for exploration ceases. And you get married.
I may not add more entries to the blog for a long time. I hope you have enjoyed what I given. Please call or write to me if you would like to discuss.
I miss my husband! I wrote this about him and it feels good to read it now, after all this time, this is what I return to. These posts, this writing, this way of thinking always fills me a gratitude because here lies the trajectory of my thought over the past 4 years. How greatly things have changed, and have remained the same. I am grateful I am able to see this transcript.
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ReplyDeletefriendship is not the best type of relationship. While it does require the least amount of risk, it also delves out the least amount of reward. By the way, I am not knocking having friends, I simply do not believe it is the best type of relationship (almost like choosing to get fast food b/c it's easier than cooking).
ReplyDeleteFor instance, one does not strive for the friendship of Allah. One strives for the Almighty's love. Love is the paramount of relationship. This should not be confused with the "s/he loves me, s/he loves me not" pop culture version of love. This is more the type of love that grows between two individuals who have developed a trust, affection, and understanding beyond that of friendship. A love that requires obedience and compromise (as Sheikh Hamza points out in a great lecture on the love of Allah, "You do things for those you love.")
Thus begging the question as raised by your comment: does one ask whether they love someone or not, or does one ask whether they choose to stir that love. I actually believe it is the former and not the latter. For instance, a love of Allah is typically not one that is stirred, but one that is felt internally without conscience decision. This also applies to the love a child feels for his/her parents; you don't question these type of relationships, they just happen. (And if my memory serves me well, I do believe that you cherish your relationship with your parents more fervently than any other). While this type of relationship also requires much effort to sustain, it is infinitely more rewarding.
Best case scenario from a friend, you have someone to pass time with and may inspire a few good ideas. Wors case you have memories.
Best case scenario from a loved one, is inspiration beyond comprehension (as that which comes with a love for one's parents and a love for Allah).
Worst case scenario, it may cause you a little hurt, b/c one cares a lot more for what one loves.
give me one loving companion, over a thousand how-do-you-do friends.
uf.
ReplyDeleteOn a rational plane where triangles, acute angles, and finite distances between objects exist, I tend to agree with you that yes a friendship brings about so much filling-of-that-hole that you cannot accomplish from a relationship (as I mentioned to you about vested interests in relationships). Furthermore, you are less drained and less challenged to absorb and modify who you are as a result of this other person, it really does become a bleeding at the edges into one another.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, in the world I live in, I constantly seek the source of Another within me. There are no beginnings or ends, no black lines atop crisp white premium paper demarking (sp) where you end and I begin.
Friendship? absolutely.
"complication of love"
not for those who want to live, experience a moment of high they have never encountered before, get hurt,
wake up the next day
and do it all over again.
Like that dude in Trainspotting,
I choose life.
-Shah
damn. what do i do in property class now?
ReplyDelete~shili
i bought a real journal yesterday. maybe ill have it delivered to you occassionally for your reading delight. or i will make an effort to share the happenings of my world
ReplyDeletethanks for reading
agreed.
ReplyDelete~Mohamed